How often have I complained about not hearing from God? How often have I joked about wanting Him to email me or text me or even send me a Facebook message with clear instructions for my life (homeschooling/autism/spiritual journey)? Well, imagine my surprise when He hit me in the head this morning with a CD!
The last few weeks, if you haven't been able to figure it out, have been dreadful. Awful. Horrible. I could add many additional adjectives, but I'm sure you get the point. I have been regretting ever starting homeschooling. I have been questioning every decision I ever made in my parenting, and in my life. It's been a deep, dark valley. And it seemed that there was no way out.
This morning I was getting ready for church and I was very tired. Reece hasn't been sleeping well, and I've been getting up very early for my triathlon training. And that's not even taking into consideration how tired the tri training has made me. I wanted to wear a necklace for a change and was looking for my one lone necklace in my dresser. I looked all over but couldn't find it anywhere. As I turned around to finish getting ready, something hit me in the head.
It was a CD in a paper case and it was absolutely covered in dust. I'm not sure where it has been all this time, but it was filthy. The title was "High School: You Can Do It!" and it was a CD of a lecture from the GHEA homeschool convention back in 2009. The speaker just so happened to be the same person who did Austin's testing back in the winter. I took her "Homeschooling High School" seminar last spring, but I had never listened to this CD after I bought it.
When I got home from church, I ripped the CD onto my mp3 player and listened right away - because, quite honestly, I'm not going to ignore the fact that I got whacked in the face by a CD that has obviously been so easily hidden on my dresser. It was GREAT! An hour of encouragement and information (but not details because any time I try to get into details lately it's created a panic in me). From there, I looked on my mp3 player and found Sonya Shafer's Looking Past the Fear seminar that I had downloaded from Simply Charlotte Mason. I immediately listened to that one as well.
The results were immediate. My heart hasn't been this light in ages! The answer is clear. In my own power, in my own strength, I continue to falter. I continue to panic. The only way I'm going to be able to continue on - and I've honestly been wondering if God was calling me to stop homeschooling - is to keep my eyes on God. And when I feel the panic creep in - because I am feeling incompetent (Hello lessons from RDI) - I have to refocus on Him. Again. And Again. And Again. Until it becomes the FIRST reaction.
"Believing, then, is directing the heart's attention to Jesus." p. 90 (The Pursuit of God, A.W. Tozer)
"The man who has struggled to purify himself and has had nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief when he stops tinkering with his soul and looks away to the perfect One." p. 91, The Pursuit of God