If you have come looking for a post outlining this year's goals, you will be disappointed. If you have come looking for a post updating my progress on last year's goals, you will be disappointed. Sorry!
You see, I did everything right in 2010 when it comes to making resolutions and goals. I made them measurable, specific, designed to cover a set time frame, and I wrote them down and even posted them for the world to see. I accomplished some of those goals - many of them, actually. I should probably sit down and figure out the percentage of goals that I accomplished. But I'm not going to.
I should be proud of what I accomplished in 2010. I ran four half-marathons. That in itself is pretty cool. But at the end of the day - or the year, as it were - it didn't matter. I ended 2010 in the same way I began it. And actually, it's quite possibly worse.
What went wrong? Shouldn't I be able to look at my list of accomplishments for the year and feel good about myself? Maybe I should. But I don't. Instead I feel as sad and empty and depressed and overwhelmed and discouraged as ever.
And I think I know why that is. You see, in all the list-making and goal-setting, I took my eyes off Jesus. I, once again, decided to take it all in my hands and think that if I could only achieve these artificial goals then I would have a "good year". Instead, while the kids really made great progress in their development, we achieved our debt free status after more than two years of sacrifice, and I accomplished some huge running goals, I still have this lingering black hole of despair.
But I didn't realize all of this until I started considering my goals for 2011. Yes, I could list that I want to complete my first triathlon and start training for my first full marathon. And I could come up with lots of other stuff, I'm sure. But it doesn't help my hurting heart. And it doesn't give me the peace I'm so desperate for. And it's doesn't help me to enjoy my life and to recognize the blessings that I'm given. There is only one way to get that, and that will be to put the focus where it needs to be. And by focus, I don't mean reading my Bible every day so I can check it off my list. That just doesn't do it.
I'm not going to attempt to make a list of what "will work". I'm sure I could google or ask my friends what I need to do to "deepen my relationship with God". But that doesn't solve anything. I'll just start with what I know: prayer, Bible reading, church. And I'll let the Holy Spirit lead me from there.
I know... weird, huh? Coming from the box-checking list-maker? But I've done it my way so long. And my way ain't working.