Friday, March 20, 2009

I'm getting better at this... really I am!

I don't have a weekly review for you because we didn't actually do any formal lessons. Everyone needed some time to recuperate from the busy-ness of vacation, and of mom being gone so long. I had planned a couple of field trips for us, as well as a doctor appointment, but then the van decided that it was time to have a flat tire, effectively canceling all of our plans!

Because it's the middle of March, it's time for that annual rite of passage - no, not the first day of Spring - it's time for planning lessons for next year!! I usually wait for the Sonlight catalog to arrive, but since I had some time to kill, I thought I'd jump right in.

And then I panicked again.

I've been in mini-panic mode for about a month, realizing that Austin has only 2 years left before he's a high-schooler and the lessons have to be tougher and they really count toward awarding him a diploma. It's scary, to be quite honest. How do I determine something is high school level work (without getting into textbooks), and since he probably won't be capable of high school level work in the next 2 years, how long will he have to be homeschooled to be able to graduate? Will Riley graduate ahead of him? Will he get discouraged and give up and refuse to do lessons with me if he's 21 years old and his sister has already graduated? (I've got quite the active imagination, you see)

And then I got Riley in on the action - started to panic about output again. Then my brain decided to go 3 for 3 and... well, you can use your own imagination for that!

While I was vacuuming this morning, I had a revelation. The panicking always seems to happen when I start comparing. And when I start thinking about what other people will think of me as a homeschool mom, or what they will think of my kids. And if I'm completely honest with myself, when I spend time reading the Well-Trained Mind message boards.

As I came to this revelation, I also had another one come quickly on its heels: "It's not that I can't do this... it's that I can't do this ALONE. I can't do any of this without God! I've got to TRUST in the plans that God has revealed to me and confirmed to me over and over again. So stop trying to take control."

So... let's recap for a moment: I panic when I compare my children to others, compare myself to other homeschool moms, and/or compare our homeschool to other people's homeschool. Then, as a result of the panic, I try to take control and think I can do it better on my own. Then I panic even more because it's too much and too overwhelming.

Sometimes I think God looks down on me when I have these "vacuum revelations" and says, "Duh!!"

I think I'm getting better at recognizing these times, taking my thoughts captive, and realizing that I need to rely on God for direction and my sense of purpose and accomplishment. Maybe next time I can reign it in at the first feelings of panic?!


argsmommy said...

I only started reading TWTM message boards a few months ago, and I saw that lead me down the same path -- comparing myself, my kids, and our plans to others. So now I just try to go to the boards when I'm looking for specific information. Love your spiritual application.


The Glasers said...

It's funny where we get our revelations. David was at a youth event in Sumter and I was finding things to keep me busy. I ended up sipping a mocha in the Kia in the parking lot for about half hour in the dark and all kinds of cool spiritual thoughts came into my head because a car with no radio has no distractions!

Niffercoo said...

Kellie, I'm going to have to do that myself... go in search of information, but not just read, especially on the high school board.

Tammy, I guess that's why we're told to "be still" sometimes, huh? :)