I got the idea to write this blog entry in a novel style from my friend Lisa who is a participant in the November novel writing thingy.
She sat with her folders and binders surrounding her on the bed. Papers and books were piled to the left, and the open laptop was directly in front of her, waiting for the next click. She sighed as she looked at the mess that representing another week of homeschool plans and wondered again if she is on the right path.
The right path. How many paths had she been on in the last 5 years? She wasn't sure she could even count them anymore. They all led her back here- to the piles of folders, papers, notebooks, and binders. And none of them ever helped her feel more confident and secure for more than a few weeks.
A tear trickled from her eye. She sighed again as she struggled to fight back the tears that always came with a trip down this line of thinking. This was not going to be helpful! Monday was going to be here before she knew it, and she had to get something planned for the children. She had to focus.
She looked at the piece of notebook paper upon which she had scribbled her latest concerns about the latest path they were on: "Not enough writing", "Takes too long to get through the history cycle", "Not enough modern books". She just stared at it, unsure of whether or not they were valid concerns, or just echoes of deeper worries. I can't do this. I'm doing this all wrong. I'm a failure. I'm ruining everyone's lives. Tears began to flow faster this time, and she didn't bother to try to stop them. That's really what this was all about. That's what this was always about. There was nothing anyone could say to her to help her feel better. It was something she was going to have to get straight with herself. And it would just take time and practice.
She crumped up the piece of paper with a deeper sigh. But this time, it was not a sigh of frustration or of failure, but a sigh of resolve. She was going to turn herself around, and get back on the path. The right path? Who knows. Did it matter? Probably not. But it was the path she had chosen, and there was no need to diverge from it so quickly. How would she be able to determine the effectiveness of the path if she didn't give it time, or if she started adding too many side trips to the path?
She grabbed the piece of paper with this week's schedule on it and set to work. It took less than 5 minutes to distribute the week's assignments among the 5 days and 2 children. That was easy. That was the goal for this year, wasn't it? "Easier on me"? She typed a few final math assignments into the grid on the laptop and clicked print. All ready for the children! What a relief to be done for another week!
She put the piles away and joined her husband in the living room to watch an old favorite movie, and forget, for a few hours anyway, that there are any paths to worry about at all.