This post is going to be more for me than anything, not directed at anyone in particular, and really is just going to serve to be a therapy for mama. I will not be offended if you choose to move on to another blog, and I hope if you come back in a few days or so, there will be something much more interesting to read.
Mama's Therapy 6/27
I am so sad. I just feel like I want to cry and cry and cuddle up on the bed and cry some more. I just watched Peanut totally lose herself during her speech therapy appointment today. I don't even know who to talk to during all of this. I know my friends are getting tired of hearing about this stuff. And if you're not living with her, you really don't understand what it's doing to the whole family anyway. So I can't expect them to want to listen to me ramble on endlessly about being terrified of what's going on with my Peanut, and being so worried all the time and so upset and having the big kids being upset too. Sometimes I wish I could go back to before we started all the evaluations and stuff and just be in my little ignorant "maybe there is a problem" world. I know in the long run, what we're doing is for her benefit! I really know that. But it's so hard to see all this stuff thrown on her all at once. And all my energy seems directed towards her now and that isn't right for the big kids. At some point I need to be directing some energy towards planning for next school year, considering we start back to school in 5 weeks. I start thinking about it and my mind just gets all clouded up with wondering how we're going to do all of this at all! Have you ever heard that analogy about parenting.. where you are expecting a trip to Italy and you end up in Holland, but that Holland is beautiful and lovely and you'd really enjoy it if you'd stop wishing you'd ended up in Italy like everyone else? Well, I feel like I'm in Holland, but one of the kids is in Italy, one of them is in Holland but only speaks Chinese, and the other kid is in Antarctica. Nothing makes sense. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do next. I feel all alone.