Monday, June 13, 2005

I don't trust myself.

I think I've narrowed down all my indecision problems to one simple fact: I do not trust myself to make the right decisions! The last few weeks (and what we're going through with Peanut) just seem to reinforce that fact.

I should have gotten her in for testing back in the winter when I started to really suspect something was amiss. She would have had 6 extra months to be able to hear correctly, and get help with her speech. Along those same lines, I really wish we had gotten Bubba evaluated back when he was 5-6 like we started to, instead of just thinking he would grow out of everything. He has grown out of alot, but if there was something we could have done 3 years ago that would make his life easier and less stressful for him then I would want it.

Of course, that still leaves Princess stuck in the middle. This morning she was talking funny, and when I asked her what was wrong she said she didn't know but maybe she needed speech therapy?! @@ After I told her she would have to go to the doctor like Peanut to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with her ears or mouth, she decided she could speak just fine. She just wants the attention that Peanut is getting. And Princess' school work... she probably could be much further ahead of where she is now if I just worked with her as much as I do Bubba. I'm so afraid of her passing him up and how that will make him feel.

Now that we're on the topic of school... could I keep screwing up any worse?? I really am starting to think I should just order Calvert for both of them and keep my pathetic lack of decision-making and planning out of the equation.

I can't keep screwing everything up and expect these kids to have any sort of a future. Look at the wonderful job I've done so far? One kid who needs Speech and Occupational Therapy, and tubes in her ears because mommy figure out she couldn't hear correctly. One kid who needs some sort of therapy for his struggling emotions and reactions to the world, and who desperately needs some sort of direction and pushing with school. And then the kid in the middle, who really needs to opportunity to shine and be her own very smart person, but mommy is too wrapped up in the other two that she doesn't have time to let her.

Why should I trust myself? I just keep messing everything up.

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