Thursday, June 30, 2005

A Toast!

Please join me in lifting a glass in honor of the last day of June!! May July be infinitely better! :)

Monday, June 27, 2005

Skip this

This post is going to be more for me than anything, not directed at anyone in particular, and really is just going to serve to be a therapy for mama. I will not be offended if you choose to move on to another blog, and I hope if you come back in a few days or so, there will be something much more interesting to read.

Mama's Therapy 6/27

I am so sad. I just feel like I want to cry and cry and cuddle up on the bed and cry some more. I just watched Peanut totally lose herself during her speech therapy appointment today. I don't even know who to talk to during all of this. I know my friends are getting tired of hearing about this stuff. And if you're not living with her, you really don't understand what it's doing to the whole family anyway. So I can't expect them to want to listen to me ramble on endlessly about being terrified of what's going on with my Peanut, and being so worried all the time and so upset and having the big kids being upset too. Sometimes I wish I could go back to before we started all the evaluations and stuff and just be in my little ignorant "maybe there is a problem" world. I know in the long run, what we're doing is for her benefit! I really know that. But it's so hard to see all this stuff thrown on her all at once. And all my energy seems directed towards her now and that isn't right for the big kids. At some point I need to be directing some energy towards planning for next school year, considering we start back to school in 5 weeks. I start thinking about it and my mind just gets all clouded up with wondering how we're going to do all of this at all! Have you ever heard that analogy about parenting.. where you are expecting a trip to Italy and you end up in Holland, but that Holland is beautiful and lovely and you'd really enjoy it if you'd stop wishing you'd ended up in Italy like everyone else? Well, I feel like I'm in Holland, but one of the kids is in Italy, one of them is in Holland but only speaks Chinese, and the other kid is in Antarctica. Nothing makes sense. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do next. I feel all alone.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Mama Guilt, revisited

Hubby just told me that when he was tucking Princess into bed, she asked him why we pay more attention to Bubba and Peanut than to her. She said we ignore her. It would be sort of annoying, except in my heart I know she's right. She's very smart, so I ignored alot of her schooling last year. Bubba struggles and he needs more of my time. She got things easily, including reading especially, so I just left her to her own. Obviously you know Peanut's story if you've been reading my blog. Now she has twice daily OT sessions and a ST therapy session. It adds up to about 90 minutes a day. And she's potty training, so that takes time.

I thought I was doing better though, because I've been giving Princess 'cooking lessons'. I've got to find more time for her daily. This year she becomes 'official' with homeschooling so I will be forced to do a better job than I have in the past.

I really wish I wasn't an only child. I just don't know how to balance all of this!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

The Black Pearl Mini-Gym?

It appears that I will be opening this up within the next week or so! Peanut's OT has set her up a system of exersizes to be done twice a day for 30 minutes each time. I am in the market, as it were, for a mini-trampoline, an exersize ball, and some other 'stuff'. We are still new to this and it's a bit tricky to figure out timing and what activities of the ones she showed me that we will do. But she said to have patience, and as we get more used to doing the therapy, our home program will have more of a flow to it. I was amazed at the difference in my Peanut yesterday afternoon after I did our first run at it... but we only made it 20 minutes or so before I ran out of ideas. This is definitely something that's going to require some advance planning on my part. I'm thinking maybe a checklist or something. I have on hold a book from the library called "The Out of Sync Child Has Fun" which is supposed to contain lots of the sorts of activities that will help her. I can't wait for it to come in! And for our next OT appt, I'm taking a notepad to help me remember all the stuff she is telling me and showing me!

I'm doing better today than yesterday. I was so overwhelmed at the thought of having to get this done with Peanut twice daily, plus her speech therapy time, plus schooling the big kids, plus housework, plus cooking. I'm still overwhelmed, but holding it together better than yesterday. I haven't had my night out this week yet, which I know isn't helping. I'm also really leaning towards using Calvert for the big kids next year to relieve some of the daily planning from our school routine. Right now, I cannot see how I will be able to plan everything out myself.

One more very interesting thing before I head for bed... I used one of the techniques the OT showed me for Peanut on Bubba last night. It's a deep pressure massage and I used a tennis ball on his back. It's to help them get settled in for bed. Within 5 minutes after I was done, he was asleep! That's just amazing! It usually takes upwards of 2 hours for him to fall asleep! I'm anxious to try again tomorrow night! (He and Daddy are at the Braves game tonight!). I hope it wasn't just a fluke!

Just about time for this head to hit the bed!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

It's been that kind of week!

The kind only Captain Jack can fix! :)

If you are looking for me, I'm watching POTC, savvy?

Drink up, me hearties! Yo HO!!

Monday, June 20, 2005


Ok, now that the kids are in bed and I've had a nap and can look back on these events, I will write some more! Peanut did great the rest of the day! She had her moments, but nothing much different than usual! She did not like the antibiotic ear drops one bit. I'm sure they felt quite odd! She was happy and dancing around! I do have to say that I think I was expecting a much more pronounced change in her hearing though. She still doesn't act like she hears very well when you call her name. And I was sort of thinking she would just start speaking clearly instantly. She really doesn't seem much different.

I have to give all the respect and appreciation in the world for the staff at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta's Surgery Center at Meridian Mark. They were the most caring, understanding, and genuinely wonderful folks I've dealt with in a very long time! I will never ever forget the anesthesiologist rubbing my Peanut's forehead and hair as he was holding the mask to her face. She got really freaked out when the mask was put on her. I was holding her hand, and I started singing her favorite song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and rubbing her hand. She started to settle down, and I noticed that the anesthesiologist was rubbing her little forehead. When she fell asleep, the nurse said "OK, Mom" as my cue to go... and the anesthesiologist said "Do you want to give her a kiss before you leave?" That was just so awesome! Great guy! Don't remember your name, but you made a nervous mom feel like her baby was in good hands! :)

I also have to just tell everyone how fabulous Peanut was today! She was so patient and playful! She sat on my lap a good bit of the time in the Pre-Op room, and every now and then she'd ask "I'm gonna be OK?" so I know she was nervous! But she was such a good girl through everything! Like I said, she got nervous in the operating room, but honestly that was an intimidating place! I don't blame her one bit at all! The huge light above the operating table was enough to freak a grown-up out! I am so proud of her for her bravery!!

Hubby was super through the whole thing too! I know he was upset that he couldn't go back into the operating room when they put her to sleep, and I definitely know he was concerned that I would lose it and upset Peanut. But he didn't press the issue beyond reminding me on the way down there how bad it would be if she saw me crying. I assured him I would be fine, and if I felt anything but fine, I would have him take her. But there is no way I could not go in there with her. I admire him for having the trust in me to be able to manage! And I hope he forgives me for not letting him do it himself. :)

I am SO glad this is all behind us now! We have 4 more days of antibiotic ear drops, and then a follow-up visit with the ENT in a month! I am really praying this makes a big difference in her hearing and in the fluid she had in her ears! I am going to sleep very well tonight!

We're back!

Peanut did great (I did too!)! She had a very hard first hour coming out of the anesthesia, with lots of crying and such. She is doing much better over the last 10 minutes though!

Thanks for all the prayers!

Here we go!

I'm getting ready to go wake up Peanut so we can head down to the surgery center! Please pray for smooth going for everyone involved! I will post again when we return! Thanks!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

A Diversion!!

Ok, to distract myself from the fact that in 22 hours my baby will be going under anesthesia, I present you with my read-aloud lists for the big kids for the school year 2005-2005! Enjoy! (And I hope this keeps me busy typing for awhile!)

Princess, 1st grade:

Mary on Horseback (Sonlight K)
In Grandma's Attic (Sonlight K)
Capyboppy (Sonlight K)
A Grain of Rice (Sonlight K)
Mountain Born (Sonlight 1)
The Year of Miss Agnes (Sonlight 1)
Little Pear (Sonlight 1)
Understood Betsy (Sonlight 1)
Follow my Leader (Sonlight 1)
The Wheel on the School (Sonlight 1)

Bubba, 3rd grade:

Owls in the Family (Veritas Press 2)
Encyclopedia Brown (Veritas Press 2)
Baby Island (VP 2)
Pinocchio (VP2)
The Trumpet of the Swan (classic book)
Misty of Chincoteague/Assateague (VP 3)
Mustang (Sonlight)
Paul Bunyan (VP 3)
The Railway Children (VP 2)
The Story of the Treasure Seekers (VP 3)
The Dragon of Lonely Island (VP 3)

OK, that only took 10 minutes. Shucks. Well, I'm going to go see if any of them are at so I can use my $5 off a $25 purchase coupon! :)

Saturday, June 18, 2005

11 years ago today...

I was getting married!! :)

Hubby and I had met a year earlier when his band was playing at a country dance club called Bubba 'n Buck! I used to line dance there with my friends at least 3 nights a week! I wasn't looking for romance, but it found me in the form of a gorgeous guy wearing cowhide boots, a black hat, and a tie dye vest! When he started singing "Wonderful Tonight" my heart skipped a beat or two, because that song had been one of my very favorites and I used to tell Suzanne (my best friend in high school) that the man of my dreams would sing me that song!

I am so lucky to have Hubby as my husband!! He is one of a kind, and is my soul mate! He also gets big brownie points for having the patience and courage to just live around me all the time! LOL

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I've been tagged!

Ok, this is exciting because it's the first time I've had to answer questions on my blog because someone tagged me! Lisa ( ) wants me to list my 6 favorite songs! This is gonna be a hard one but I'll just go off the top of my head in random order:

1. Pour Some Sugar on Me, Def Leppard
2. Holy is the Lord, Chris Tomlin
3. It Takes Two, Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock
4. Home Sweet Home, Motley Crue
5. Voice of Truth, Casting Crowns
6. O Praise Him, David Crowder Band

Wow, I wonder if I should separate that 80s metal/90s rap from the Contemporary Christian? Nah, that's who I am! :) God loves me this way!

I don't know anyone else to tag... so if you want to do this, and you read my blog, consider yourself tagged!!

We're all scheduled!

The doctor's office just called me with Peanut's time for surgery on Monday morning! It's first thing in the morning, which is good! I was worried about how to keep a 3 year old from eating breakfast... or how to keep a 6 and 9 year old from eating breakfast in front of the 3 year old who can't! When we leave that morning, it's likely the big kids won't even be awake yet!

Surgery is set for 9:10 AM, and we have to be there 90 minutes early! Prayers are appreciated!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

We are going around the leaf!

OK, real quick: which movie is that from? I'll give you the rest of this post to think about it while I explain why it is the title of today's blog entry!

I am easily flustered. I know, it's hard to believe! Even through the computer I exude such an air of self-confidence and an ability to just roll with the punches! LOL OK, so now that we've all chuckled... it really is true. Bubba is the same way. Peanut is going to be the same way too, I can already tell. Princess, on the other hand, is much more easy-going... but when she does get flustered she acts more like her daddy. :)

When things get thrown in my path that I'm not expecting, I panic. It's my first response. Hubby will tell you that I'm truly getting better! But it's a long road. For instance, my 16.5 year old nephew is coming to spend the night from CA next Saturday... and I'm completely on edge about it! My carpet needs cleaning and I don't have the money for it. I don't have a clue what he's going to do here because I don't have anything appealing to do for a teenage boy... no video games, no internet for him b/c I don't feel right with him getting on my internet without his parents here. I guess we'll watch TV or a movie after the kids go to bed? Well, I'm trying not to panic!

Another instance is when the garage door broke last week. It just completely flustered me. I was on the verge of tears because I was so overwhelmed by it all, and that was just the last straw. It was something that wasn't so bad in the long run... we could live without a garage door opener and park on the driveway. But at the time, it felt like the end of the world.

So here I am... going to work on a new motto for my self and the 2 of 3 children who seem to take after their mother: We are going around the leaf! Did you figure out which movie it came from? Here is a clue:

Worker Ant #1: Oh no. I'm lost. Where's the line? What do I do?
Worker Ant #2: Help.
Worker Ant #3: We'll be stuck forever.
Mr. Soil: Do not panic, do not panic. We are trained professionals. Now, stay calm. We are going around the leaf.
Worker Ant #1: Around the leaf. I-I-I don't think we can do that.
Mr. Soil: Oh, nonsense. This is nothing compared to the twig of '93.

It's from A Bug's Life! What a cute little movie! It's a family favorite around here! Anyway, from now on, at the Black Pearl Academy, we are going around the leaf!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Plan B

And it doesn't have anything to do with homeschooling! ;)

The Occupational Therapist called this morning to cancel our appt. and reschedule, so we ended up moving to Plan B: getting swimsuits on and going over to play at the fountain at the mall! We had a blast! I wish I would have remembered to take my camera, but I didn't. It's OK! We'll surely go back again! We ate lunch at the mall afterward, then came home to rest! It was simple fun! I sure needed that! :)

Tomorrow is our pre-op appointment for the ear tubes!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Now that it's out of my system...

I'm feeling better. I did a 3 mile walk tonight (with Leslie Sansone and my 3 pound weights) and I think that helped alot. I'm going to have to work my way through this and come out on the other side with some lasting confidence, and a game plan. Otherwise nothing is going to change.

It may have to wait until next week, after Peanut's surgery. Right now, that's where my focus lies! BTW, she did really well in Speech Therapy today! She had alot of fun and moved on to a new letter sound to work on! Her ST said she could tell we've been working on it alot at home! The big kids are out of sorts... maybe worried about Peanut? Bubba is crying at the drop of a hat and it's driving me nuts. I told hubbys tonight that this must be what it's like living with me?! On a good note, Princess thinks I'm amazing because I put her hair in braids tonight like Betsy from the Betsy-Tacy books!

Now, I'm going to bed! Things will look better in the morning! :)

I don't trust myself.

I think I've narrowed down all my indecision problems to one simple fact: I do not trust myself to make the right decisions! The last few weeks (and what we're going through with Peanut) just seem to reinforce that fact.

I should have gotten her in for testing back in the winter when I started to really suspect something was amiss. She would have had 6 extra months to be able to hear correctly, and get help with her speech. Along those same lines, I really wish we had gotten Bubba evaluated back when he was 5-6 like we started to, instead of just thinking he would grow out of everything. He has grown out of alot, but if there was something we could have done 3 years ago that would make his life easier and less stressful for him then I would want it.

Of course, that still leaves Princess stuck in the middle. This morning she was talking funny, and when I asked her what was wrong she said she didn't know but maybe she needed speech therapy?! @@ After I told her she would have to go to the doctor like Peanut to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with her ears or mouth, she decided she could speak just fine. She just wants the attention that Peanut is getting. And Princess' school work... she probably could be much further ahead of where she is now if I just worked with her as much as I do Bubba. I'm so afraid of her passing him up and how that will make him feel.

Now that we're on the topic of school... could I keep screwing up any worse?? I really am starting to think I should just order Calvert for both of them and keep my pathetic lack of decision-making and planning out of the equation.

I can't keep screwing everything up and expect these kids to have any sort of a future. Look at the wonderful job I've done so far? One kid who needs Speech and Occupational Therapy, and tubes in her ears because mommy figure out she couldn't hear correctly. One kid who needs some sort of therapy for his struggling emotions and reactions to the world, and who desperately needs some sort of direction and pushing with school. And then the kid in the middle, who really needs to opportunity to shine and be her own very smart person, but mommy is too wrapped up in the other two that she doesn't have time to let her.

Why should I trust myself? I just keep messing everything up.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Whose bright idea was this??

I was greeted at 7 AM this morning with a little voice in my ear whispering, "Mommy, can I do my 'Sun and Fun' now?" Did I mention that today was the 10th day and they would be getting ice cream after they completed the 10th day of "Sun and Fun"! Perhaps the new rules for "Sun and Fun" is that it can only be worked on after 10AM?? She did her 10th day of work, as did her brother when he woke up an hour later. We got the ice cream after lunch... pictures will be forthcoming!

And not to be outdone, Peanut brought me her Speech Therapy homework paper 3 different times today asking to do her "homework"! So we did it!

I think someone took my kids and left me with these highly self-motivated imposters! :) It's OK, I'll take it while it lasts! Following their example, I planned out the literature/read-aloud lists for the big kids for next school year! :) Planning for 2005-2006 has officially commenced!

Friday, June 10, 2005

Tomorrow is Jammie Day

You read it here first! Tomorrow I am not getting out of my pajamas! This week the big kids had VBS, and Peanut had 3 appointments! We also had lunch dates twice with friends. I am wiped out completely! The kids are also just totally spent! Bubba tonight was crying over every little thing, all while insisting he wasn't sleepy! LOL (Oh, forgot to mention that I took the kids to the library late this afternoon, and Princess got her library card! She was thrilled, but honestly what was I thinking??? Chalk that one up to mom completely losing all of her brains! Note to self: never take tired children to the library!)

We're heading into another busy week, but this time no VBS to add to it. Peanut has 3 appointments again. Then, a week from Monday, she will have the tubes in and I plan to take it easy the rest of that week. The following week, the big kids have a week-long art camp! And then it seems that June will be OVER!

At some point, I need to plan lessons for next school year! I'm going to have to tackle that in July! That gives me 20 more days to choose a math program! Hee hee

The kids will be earning their first "Sun and Fun" ice cream cones tomorrow! I am so pleased with how they have received this little summer school plan! Bubba actually finished a Boxcar Children book! I have been hesistant to quiz him much on this summer reading, but today I asked "So, did it end the way you thought it would?" and he replied, "Well, I knew it was going to end because I looked ahead and saw the empty pages at the back of the book." Oh yes, thank you very much Mister Literal! I decided we were both too tired to pursue the questioning any further!

Now I'm going to go try to sleep! It's been quite elusive this last few weeks with all of Peanut's stuff going on. I'm actually praying for some rain in the morning so it will stay dark inside and everyone will be able to sleep!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

We're going tubing

Not the fun kind of tubing, though! Peanut had her appt with the ENT today and he confirmed that she needs tubes to drain the fluid. She has a 25-30 decibel hearing loss in each ear. The surgery is scheduled for Monday, June 20th which is only 10 days away. I am extremely frightened. I will accept any and all prayers for her safety during this procedure!

I can't talk about it anymore right now.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

OT Evaluation

We had another really good appointment today! I am amazed at how well Peanut is handling all of these new settings and new people! She did super today with the Occupational Therapist! The appointment lasted slightly over an hour.

The OT didn't really tell me anything that was new and surprising. She did use a term to describe it which I was unfamiliar with. She said that Peanut has some 'sensory defensiveness'. I googled when I got home and it pulled up lots of information on Sensory Integration Dysfunction and Autism. I'm familiar with both of those. In fact, my friend Sarah had mentioned Sensory Integration the last time we were together and I asked her for her opinions on Peanut.

The evaluation was really good, and I am very pleased with the OT. She was very positive about homeschooling, and even about Peanut having nursed so long. She is very much into individuality, not medicating on a whim, and loving a child for who he is. She made sure I understood that the goal was to help the child with coping skills and techniques for the things that are hard for them to manage on their own. I thought that was awesome! We will go back and meet with her next Tuesday when we will discuss the forms I have to fill out over the week, and make a plan for her.

It is also becoming abundantly clear that I need to get Bubba in for an evaluation as well. I will ask about that when he goes in for his checkup in July. I am afraid that if we don't get him some coping skills soon, he is going to have a really rough adolescence. He already shows indications that he thinks poorly of himself b/c of the crying and some of the other negative reactions he has. One step at a time though.

Speaking of negative reactions... Bubba had one at VBS today. He didn't think he did a good job on his craft b/c it didn't turn out 'the way it was supposed to'. He didn't say if he cried or not, but he was still talking about it later. Princess said she had a nice time! Her teacher said that she was 'very excited' all day! I know what that means! It's code for: Princess talked alot all morning, and loudly too! LOL

2 appts down, 1 to go this week. Nothing tomorrow and I'm glad for that! I am completely worn out. I didn't sleep last night at all. (Which reminds me that the OT says that Peanut not sleeping is related to the sensory thing) I had horrific nightmares... including one where my parents took the kids away from me. :( I'm going to stay home tonight and hopefully get a good night's sleep!

Monday, June 06, 2005

A little peace!

It's so quiet in here this morning! Can you believe it's 8:20 and everyone is still asleep in my house? We have Vacation Bible School this week, so I'm going to have to go wake them up in just a few minutes, though. But I have a couple of minutes to blog!

I have been so pleased with the response of the kids to my "Sun and Fun" plan! They have asked to do it every day this month so far, including Saturday and Sunday! I know they are wanting the ice cream at the end of the 10 days, but it's neat to see them eager for something that involves learning!

Bubba just woke up... upset that he had slept in. I told him to relax, I wasn't going to wake them up for another 10 minutes! He's getting dressed right now! Must be excited about going to VBS! :)

Peanut did really well at church yesterday! We are starting to go to hubby's church, which is a very long story! It's 45 minutes away, but I really feel like God wants us at church with him, so we will go! Peanut went right in to the nursery, and I let the teachers know that she's having a little hearing loss going on right now. The nursery workers at our other church complained that she didn't listen to them. Well, if she's having hearing problems, it's no wonder. So I gave the teachers the heads up that they might want to get her attention first before they give instructions. I guess all went well! She also went potty for them! :)

Princess was very well-behaved at church yesterday! Oh speaking of Princess, she just woke up too! She gave me a hug, then left because she doesn't like the mint smell of my toothpaste! LOL That is SO her! :) Anyway, she did really well at church. At our other church, she goes to 'childrens church' which is just glorified playtime. At hubby's church the kids are in the service until after the music, then they go to childrens church. But for the summer there is no childrens church so the kids stay in the service the whole time. It was a very long service too, because it was the church's 100th anniversary! But she did well!

And here is Miss Peanut climbing onto my lap! I guess that's my cue to go!

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Let the creative juices flow!!!

Ahhhhh, what a night I had last night!! For the first time in a year, I got to go scrapbooking!!

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here before, but my friend Jan I talk about alot is a scrapbooker extraordinaire! She is a National Sales Director for this awesome scrapbook supply company called Top Line Creations. Here is her link: She had a crop at her house last night and I was able to attend! I was completely rusty having not even scrapped in a whole year, and my supplies were completely out of date. But I was able to use these kits put out by TLC to make some really spectacular pages!! It contains paper, embellishments, and complete step by step instructions! I can't remember the name of the kit, but you order them monthly and you get 2 complete layouts in each kit! (Maybe when you check out Jan's site you can email her and ask her to give you more information about these kits since Mommy is brain-dead from scrapping until 12:30 AM!).

Friday, June 03, 2005

Memory Lane

I took a walk down memory lane this week and it wasn't a pleasant experience. I was looking at Bubba's school notebooks from the previous 2 years. I'm disgusted in our lack of progress. It seems that the year he made the most progress was the year (more like 6 months) we used Calvert. :(

I know my own faults quite well. The biggest one with school is that I just don't know how much to push. I don't know what to expect of the kids. I don't know what to demand from the kids. That's why I miss Calvert! That lesson manual gave us a method for progress. I didn't have to try to decide if he should copy 3 sentences or 5. I followed the plans and the progress happened.

I am really upset with myself over Bubba's lack of progress. This cannot continue. It's not fair to him at all. I don't really know what to do. It would certainly be easy to sell what I have for next year and order Calvert 3rd. It's very, very tempting! I think if we had the money, I would do it in a heartbeat. But it isn't that simple.

I'm going to try to make up a plan on my own, with the help of the Well-Trained Mind book. If I can't get a good grasp on what needs to be done this coming year, then I may have to order Calvert for Bubba.

Doughnut Day!

Today is Doughnut Day at Krispy Kreme!!! Can I get a YUM from the world, please? :)

Make sure you stop by your local Krispy Kreme for free doughnuts!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005


That's what Peanut's tympanogram did today, in both ears. She had her hearing test and the results were completely surprising. Apparently, she has fluid in both ears. She failed her hearing test.

I should start off by saying that she was SO good during the test! She was cooperative and sweet and funny! The lady was starting to ask her questions and she goes " 'Scuse me... what's your name?" LOL So the results we got were accurate anyway, because she did so well!

The results were typical, at least, which I guess is something to be glad for. Typical for a child with fluid behind their ears. When the lady (whose name was Emma by the way LOL) did the rest with a device that bypassed the fluid, she passed with flying colors. Without it, she tested with a whole range that she doesn't hear.

So we have to see the ENT next Thursday and discuss how to get rid of the fluid. The tech mentioned tubes which just scares me to death. I can't say that outloud though because Bubba's already worried. He asked Emma how to fix his sister and what were tubes and how do they get in her ears, and when she said it's a surgery, Bubba started to cry. :( I just don't understand how she could have fluid in her ears and the peds never seeing it at checkups. And if it hasn't been there all along, would it not be affecting her speech? So are we back at square one for the cause of her speech delay?

I'm sure all of these questions will be answered when we see the ENT next week, but it's going to drive me crazy wondering in the mean time! And I called the Speech Therapist who said to go ahead and start her therapy next week as we planned... but I'm wondering if that will be the best thing to do until we get this fluid thing taken care of.

I feel so terrible... if she's had fluid in her ears this whole time, what a bad mom am I?! It seems like everything I have tried to do right for her hasn't seemed to matter. I nursed her for 2.5 years and she can't talk, has fluid in her ears. ::sigh::

I need chocolate.